"I really am, you know," Ethan said quietly, almost hoping his voice wouldn't be heard over the noise of Xander's car. They were finally on their way home.

"I know," Xander replied patiently. "Apology accepted, like it was accepted the last fifty times."

Ethan rubbed his face hard. It had been a few hours since his intense encounter with Chaos. Thanks to a couple of drinks in the nearest pub and a lot of sitting down, he was more or less back to normal physically, albeit with the emphasis on the 'less'. But his mind was still a bit of a subdued maelstrom. "Are you going to tell him? Tell anyone?"

Xander seemed to consider for a long moment before finally saying, "Not if you don't want me to."

"I don't know... I don't know what I want. Well, yes, I do. If anyone is to tell him, I'd like it to be me." Oh hell, as if there wasn't enough tension between him and Rupert anyhow, what with the secret Ethan was already hiding.

"What will you say?" Xander asked curiously.

"I don't know." It had only been the other day on the Heath that he'd tried to tease Rupert into jealousy over Xander and not been taken seriously, which was fair enough as he hadn't been, but there was a grim reaper kind of irony about that conversation now. "Christ, I'm sorry."

"Y'know, this conversation would probably go a lot faster if we didn't keep going back to the apologising," Xander pointed out, not unkindly.

"That wasn't me," Ethan said, which he'd already said at least twice since leaving the office, but his mouth seemed to be stuck in the same ever decreasing circle as his mind. "I know what I said at the time, but that wasn't me. I was never that... that... predatory."

"It's okay, Ethan, really. I know that wasn't the real you." Xander paused before repeating earnestly, "Really."

He gave Xander a ragged smile. "I may stop apologising by Christmas. Possibly."

"I can handle that," Xander said. "As long as you don't feel the need to make yourself disappear." He paused. "Or bake cookies."

"Willow?" Ethan asked, having already been told a little of Xander's side of the events after Willow's girlfriend had been shot.

"Yeah. Her cookies actually weren't bad, but I've seen you in the kitchen. Please. Don't."

Ethan laughed... and it felt good. "Thank you. I needed that. This has not been the best few days for me."

"Always happy to help." Xander glanced over at him. "You don't get what you did today, do you?"

His face fell. "Oh, I do, Xander. Truly. I'm so–"

"You fought it off."

"Huh?" Feeling rather stupid on top of everything else, Ethan stared at Xander.

"The bad mojo," Xander elaborated. "You fought it off."

"Well, only bec– There... I had no..." He was right. Bugger it all, Xander was right. Ethan had fought a huge amount of Chaos tailor-made for his own vulnerabilities and won. "I suppose I did. Who'd have thought."

"Well, Giles for one," Xander answered as if it had been a serious question.

Ethan found he was grinning at Xander. "I did pretty well really, didn't I?"

"Yeah." Xander grinned back. "Did it all by yourself too."

Ethan tipped his head to the side. "Well, not quite. I'm not sure I would even have tried if you hadn't kept saying 'Giles' at me. It was the reminder of Rupert that gave me the desire to fight it."

Xander gave a half-shrug. "Talking down crazed magic users is one of my specialities. Along with bringing Buffy back to life and making doughnut runs."

"Not a bad resume," Ethan acknowledged. He was feeling a lot better now that he realised he'd done something to be proud of today. After handling the Chaos fetish in Hyde Park, he'd worried about his susceptibility to his old magic. He didn't think he would anymore.

Xander turned the corner into their road and found a parking spot a little way from the house.

Ethan turned to him. "I'll tell Rupert about the attack, of course, and obviously I'll pass on the bits and pieces that you found." Among other things, Xander's search of the P&G Holdings office had uncovered a potentially very interesting coin or metal token, clearly enchanted. "But I'm not sure about... about admitting what I did to you." Although God knows, he didn't need another undisclosed sin to add to his guilty conscience. "I need to sleep on that decision."

"If you don't want to... get into details, I'm not going to argue." Xander paused and then offered almost diffidently, "Giles kissed my fiancée once while under a spell."

Ethan felt his eyebrows raise high. "He did?" he asked, undoing his seatbelt.

"Yep. Willow cast this memory spell that backfired. Or I guess overachieved would be more accurate, since it did what it was supposed to, only moreso. We all lost our memories, and Giles and Anya decided they were engaged." Xander suddenly grinned. "Also that Spike was Giles' son."

"Another stepchild? This is getting ridiculous." Chuckling a little, Ethan opened his door and got out of the car.

"Yeah, well," Xander laughed, as he got out of the car himself, "even suffering from amnesia, Giles wasn't all that happy about the possibility. I don't think either of them ever mentioned that particular misunderstanding again. Anya, on the other hand, spent quite a bit of time after that trying to get me to kiss like Giles."

None of the half a dozen replies Ethan could think of to make, which all seemed to involve kissing, Xander, or Rupert in some way or another, seemed at all appropriate currently. Nor was he comfortable discussing Xander's bereavement just at this moment. In the end, he settled on a smile and, "So you'll think he'll be understanding then?"

"Ethan, it's Giles. When has he ever not been understanding?"

"I think I've possibly known a very different man over the years to the one you have," Ethan said quietly. "Admittedly, I'm sure you'd feel I deserved the meted out punishment I've received in the past."

Still, Ethan heard what Xander was really saying, and it was true that Rupert... Well, there was only so much that could happen. Violence was no longer a part of their relationship since they'd reconciled, and Rupert couldn't realistically leave, whatever Ethan's insecurity feared. The bond was growing far too strong. So really, Ethan only had fierce words and emotions to worry about. Unfortunately, it was Rupert's anger that scared him the most. Especially when, unbeknownst to Xander, Ethan had two guilty secrets, not one.

Xander stopped and looked at Ethan assessingly. "Agreed, I don't know all the details, but no, I don't feel that."

Ah, he was talking about the Initiative. "Oh, I think certain punishments went far beyond Rupert's intent also." He stopped outside the front door, key at the ready, and spoke quietly. "I was thinking more of the days when Rupert seemed to believe it necessary to take a leaf from my useless father's book, which was amusing, to say the least. But to be fair, he regrets those times as much as I regret the actions that brought him to it."

"We all have regrets about the past," Xander said. "The trick is to not dwell on them so much that you lose the present. And in the present, I don't think there's anything you could do that Giles wouldn't be understanding about."

Ethan could only hope Xander was right. As he opened the door and stepped into the lobby, he said, "And at least I have something to boast about now. Good for this poor banged up ego, that."

Xander laughed. "If that's all you needed to help with your ego, I would've let you kiss me weeks ago."

Ethan raised an eyebrow and replied archly, "I meant my defeat of Chaos, dear boy." He laughed. "Although if it does you equal good to believe it was the wonder of your sweet lips, then by all means, do." Still chuckling, Ethan opened the door to the living room and stepped inside... only to freeze in place halfway through the door, Xander bumping into him from behind.

The living room was fairly crowded. Buffy and Dawn Summers were on the couch. Rupert was standing, having obviously just risen from his chair, a stern look on his face. Megan was hovering hesitantly in the kitchen doorway; from her posture alone, Ethan could see she was upset. And he knew why, could see exactly why, for there in his own chair sat Jade, the girl who'd hurt his Slayer.

He didn't look back at Rupert's face; he couldn't. It must all be out in the open now. "Bugger," he murmured, very aware of Xander blocking his escape route back out.

"Ethan, if I can see you in the study?" Rupert asked, voice formal and distant.

God, he wanted to run. Every instinct inside of him was screaming at him to get out of there, get away, because Rupert was angry and that meant pain. And not even physical pain, which Ethan was an old hand at ignoring, but emotional.

But he'd made a promise never to run again.

Everyone remained silent as he walked across the living room, but he could feel the weight of all their gazes upon him. He glanced at Megan as he passed her, but she turned away. That hurt. As he put his hand on the study door, he heard Xander cough behind him and say, "Um, Giles...?"

"Later, Xander," Rupert said, following Ethan toward the study.

Ethan walked in, quickly moving out of the doorway and towards the French windows, wanting to keep a physical distance between himself and Rupert. Only he didn't, of course, want that. Not really. He wanted to throw himself at Rupert and be held and soothed and shagged thoughtless... but that was clearly not about to happen. He stared out into the darkness beyond the glass, seeing nothing.

"I take it this was the secret that you didn't want me to know about," Giles said, shutting the door behind him.

Ethan's breath on the window was condensing, forming a small cloud he could draw in. He doodled with his finger until he recognised the symbol he was forming. It was part of the design on the coin that Xander had found, although Ethan thought he'd seen it somewhere before as well. Shuddering, he wiped it away. Without turning around, he said, "Shall we just not and say we did, Rupert? I'll undo my little spell; she can go away and happily abuse some other unfortunate girl. Then perhaps we can talk about what Xander and I discovered this afternoon?"

"Oh, I think you've put the fear of God into the girl," Rupert observed, and perhaps his voice wasn't quite so severe. In fact, there had been more than a bit of humour hidden in its tone. "I doubt she'll be acting quite so cavalierly in the near future, at least."

Cautiously, his posture unavoidably defensive, Ethan turned to look at Rupert. "How much trouble am I in?"

Rupert stared at him for a long moment then sighed. "Probably not as much as you think. I certainly can't condone what you did, but... I understand why you did it."

Hope sprouted inside Ethan. "She hurt Megan. Deliberately."

"Not out of cruelty so much as callous youth," Rupert countered.

"No," Ethan shook his head and folded his arms. "There is a budding little sadist in that one. She enjoyed bringing Megan to a state of humiliation and dismay. Trust me on this."

Rupert inclined his head, not arguing the point. "How long were you going to keep your spell in effect?"

"Until now, I suppose," he answered sourly. "I'd just thought there would be longer for the lesson to sink in before the 'now' occurred. The sociopathic bint hasn't even had twenty-four hours of really smelling like a dog in heat to deal with."

"I had to lock Gwydion in our room upstairs." Rupert looked annoyed. "You can apologise to him later for putting him in the position of being manipulated by your magic."

"How did you find out? Did she complain to Megan?" Ethan had spoken to Jade before tweaking her pheromone patterns, just to make sure his impression of her was correct. His words and amusement before he'd left had probably at the very least suggested to the girl that he was to blame for the fact that male dogs were suddenly interested in her in a very unnatural way. Ethan had been relying on there's-no-such-thing-as-magic goggles to keep him safe.

"No. Pamela's been collating any reports of strange incidents for me, and she recognised the name when she read reports of a girl hounded by a pack of randy dogs in the local park." Rupert's frown was enough to repress Ethan's urge to giggle before it could amount to anything. "Pamela thought it was another attack from our unnamed enemy and was worried that they might be striking closer to home."

Oh. He couldn't stop a small chuckle. "Well, that's ironic, isn't it," he commented dryly, trying desperately to ignore the morass of emotion he was wading through. Rupert was still so far away, and his posture wasn't exactly inviting Ethan to come closer. That hurt in a deep place as if his soul was being stretched a little taut.

"That kind of irony I can do without." Rupert paced the length of the room, stopping and running his hand through his hair in frustration. "This isn't something that can become a habit, Ethan. I can't be worrying if the incidents I'm trying to deal with are legitimate concerns or a case of friendly fire."

He felt his teeth clench. "She hurt Megan."

"If you're so proud of what you did, why did you feel the need to hide it from me?"

Ethan smiled; he could feel the skin of his face stretch with the posture, but inside something seemed to be holding a naked flame to his gut. "Maybe because I knew all the bollocks you tried to soothe me with last night was just that?" He could hear a familiar sly sardonic tone returning to his own voice. He hated this so much, but he couldn't see his way out.

"Oh for..." Obviously exasperated, Rupert crossed the room over to where Ethan stood and pulled him into his arms. "Just because I don't approve of your actions doesn't mean any of my feelings for you have changed."

Ethan didn't reply, he couldn't. He was too busy fighting a fierce, almost desperate, relief and gratitude that threatened to overwhelm him. He wrapped his arms tightly around Rupert and clung.

Rupert's demeanour seemed to change in the face of the reaction. "One of these days you're actually going to believe me when I tell you that," he said softly, his hands sliding over Ethan's back, comforting.

Three words managed to escape Ethan's attempt at control. "I need you." For once, he wasn't talking about sex.

"I'm not going anywhere." Rupert was close enough that Ethan could feel the breath of his words against his skin. "I keep telling you. You can't push me away."

"I tried to tell you. Really." Catlike, Ethan rubbed the side of his face against Giles. "I wasn't expecting... It never used to... It wasn't even that bad a thing I did, was it? I mean, compared to what I... oh..." He moaned, feeling like everything he started to say would just make things worse.

"It's not like I don't understand the desire. Lord knows, I've felt the same whenever someone hurts those I care about." Rupert dropped a kiss on Ethan's temple. "But it isn't our place to mete out judgement or punishment."

But... Ethan pulled back just far enough to see Rupert's face. "Isn't that exactly what Watchers and Slayers are all about? Playing judge and jury?"

Rupert shook his head. "They're about protecting the world and defending those that can't defend themselves."

Ethan was damned if he could see the difference. "That's exactly what I meant this morning. You understand what's right and what's wrong intuitively. I don't. I just saw Megan hurting."

"You knew it was wrong. If you hadn't, you wouldn't have bothered trying to hide it."

"No, I knew you'd think it was wrong. That's all. It still feels right to me." He paused. "Sort of... Oh, I don't know."

"If you know what I would think is wrong, and you insist I understand right and wrong intuitively, then you have a way of figuring out right and wrong yourself," Rupert pointed out calmly, logically.

Ethan gave Rupert an anguished look. "Megan was hurting. Don't you understand? There's never been... I..." He gave up and let his head drop back to Rupert's shoulder. "She was hurting, and it was my fault."

"What makes you think that it's your fault?"

"I know about the world," he mumbled. "Know about what most of sodding humanity is like at heart. I should have warned her, protected her. Instead, I encouraged her. She wanted to find her 'Giles'."

Rupert brushed a hand against Ethan's cheek. "That doesn't make it your fault. You can't protect her from life, Ethan. She's going to get hurt – that unfortunately is part of living."

"I don't want to be her Watcher anymore." He surprised himself with the words; he hadn't intended to say them, but once they were said, he knew he meant them. "First I try to kill her; then I set her up for heartbreak."

"Oh, love." Rupert looked at him sadly. "It won't make any difference whether you have the official title or not. It won't stop you from caring or wanting to protect and help her." He smiled faintly. "Take it from one who knows."

Gently, Ethan freed himself from Rupert's arms. He walked the few steps to the wall that adjoined the study and living room, and he put his hands flat upon it. Standing close, he let his forehead touch the wallpaper also. "Was she hurt?" he asked as he felt through the wall with his pattern senses, finding and eliminating bodies until he located Jade's.

"Jade? No, just completely shaken up. She also seems to have developed a phobia of dogs."

It was a matter of a few seconds to re-tweak Jade's natural pheromones;, then Ethan stepped back and looked at Rupert. "I won't apologise to her."

"That would be more than I would ask of anyone," Rupert said.

Hesitantly, Ethan walked nearer again, but didn't close the distance; Rupert would have to do that if it were to happen. "So what now then?"

"Promise me something?" Rupert asked.

"I won't do it again," Ethan said, looking away.

He felt a hand rest on his shoulder. "Next time, talk to me?"

"Before or after I bugger things up?" He offered a weak smile and took a small step closer.

"Well, I'd prefer before, but whenever you can work me into your schedule."

"I promise," he said quietly, sincerely, and then frowned. For with the awareness that was becoming more common since he'd changed his magic in Devon, Ethan suddenly found he knew something. "That was the second of three," he told Rupert, wondering at it.

Rupert frowned. "The second of three what – promises?"

Ethan nodded. "That I won't run, and you've no idea how much I wanted to when I walked in earlier, and that I'll talk to you about my dodgy activities. If this were a fairytale, dearheart, I'd caution you to be very careful about what you demand for the third."

"As three wishes go, I certainly could have made worse choices for the first two." Rupert moved closer and slid his arms around Ethan's waist as he spoke.

Ethan ran a light hand over Rupert's upper chest. "Am I forgiven?"

"You're forgiven."

Oh, that felt so ridiculously good that Ethan felt like a fool for causing all this in the first place. He should have known he couldn't take it. Things were so different now. Things mattered. And now that he'd promised, he'd have to tell Rupert about Xander too. He hoped it wouldn't be stretching the promise too thin to delay that confession for at least a few hours; he was so very tired. Intense shock treatment was not apparently good for one's energy levels.

"Do you think Megan will also forgive me?" he asked.

"You'll have to ask her. But," Rupert smiled, "I don't think you have anything to worry about."

"Rupert..." He could hear the whine in his own voice, and so clearly could Rupert, who raised an eyebrow and gave him a stern look that Ethan recognised from Rupert's dealings with Slayers and underlings who were being unreasonable. Ethan shivered. "Don't."

"I think," Rupert said slowly, "that you and I should sit down and have a discussion about feelings and bonds and what we each need from the other."

"Oh God, no." That was the last thing Ethan wanted. "Haven't we done enough unpleasant talking in the last fifteen minutes to do us for months?" And of course there was still that other difficult confession to come. He pushed closer and let a hint of magic sparkle from his fingers on Giles' chest. "Can't we let our bodies do the nattering?"

"That depends. Is there nothing you need from me that you're not getting?"

"At the moment? Yes, absolutely. Would it help if I said 'please'?" Ethan pushed his hips into Rupert's trying to make his desire clear. He needed the... reassurance of sex. He was hurting without it.

Rupert kissed him, long and deep, but then pulled back. "I promise we'll cover everything, verbal and non-verbal, but later. First we have to get rid of the living room full of people we have."

That brought back some sense into Ethan's head in a hurry. Poor Megan was out there trapped with the girl who had hurt her so. He pulled away from Rupert and nodded. "Just tell me what you want me to do."

Rupert looked at him searchingly for a moment before answering. When he did, it wasn't what Ethan wanted to hear. "Follow your instincts."

Now was not the time for Rupert to decline to take control. It was Ethan's instincts that got him into this, or at least, it certainly hadn't been his logical thought. He folded his arms. "My instincts tell me to obey you implicitly until things feel right again."

The faintest of smiles flitted over Rupert's mouth for a brief second before his expression grew serious again. "Well, my instructions are to go out there and do what you have to in order to make this right."

Panic surged through Ethan. "You told me I didn't have to apologise!"

"Not to Jade, no."

He closed his eyes and made himself breathe. "Are you going to take her home?"

"I wasn't planning on it," Rupert replied. "She seems quite capable of using the tube."

"If she's as traumatised as you suggest..." What the hell was he doing? Let the bitch go home alone; it was what she deserved. Ethan turned and headed for the door.

"We can ask Xander to make sure she gets home all right," Rupert said softly before Ethan reached his goal.

"Thank you," he murmured as he turned the handle and went out.